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My favourite childhood ritual...

We are people of ritual.  We have this drive to celebrate the important moments in our lives. Like the birth of a child, a coming of age, a wedding, the death of a mother-in-law and other enjoyable life altering events.

 

Thousands of years ago in the Ancient Near East when people had an encounter with God or an Angel they built an altar or slaughtered a lamb or a combination of other weird acts (and yes I acknowledge it made sense to them within their cultural and mythical worldview). After a real significant encounter the mortal’s name was also changed: Abram became Abraham. Jacob became Israel.

 

My landlord and body corporate is not that keen on me building an altar on the lawn. Neither is slaughtering a lamb on the driveway such a pleasant idea to all my fellow neighbours (and neither to me). And what a nuisance to get your name changed at the Department of Home Affairs and then all the follow up paper work to banks, etc. No thank you! My point? What do I do as someone living in 2012 to celebrate the remarkable shifts in my life?
 

Thank you Internet! Yeah I change something online! It’s the easy alternative to altar building.  I tweak a paragraph or a word on a website. I write a blog post. I change my FB profile pic or banner (or post something extra silly or remarkble). Or worst case scenario I grab a white piece of paper and scribble a few words or phrases of inspiration. The bigger the shift, the bigger the online tweak. And sometimes a new awareness cannot be contained in the old form (and by the way that pretty much sums up the evolution of all religions and our understanding of God and life over the ages to this very moment). Then it is time to create something completely new. Didn’t Jesus share something about not pouring new wine into old wine skins?

 

Now really what is my point?
 

I want you to know I created a new Twitter account:
 

@TheZenRabbi
 

“I believe in the power of Love, mindfulness and giving yourself permission... #SpiritualCounsellor #LifeCoach #Enneagram"
 

I can’t claim that God changed my Twitter name, but I most certainly felt inspired. I also peeped through the window incase a ram appeared among the lavender before pressing enter and sacrificing that online spot forever. It’s a new name that embodies something of the Essence that is within me and what I share with my clients: 
 

An Angora ram did appear out of the blue!
Out of nowhere in the bistro at
 Meerendal Wine Estate...

Guilt Clearer, Permission Granter, Gentle Healer, Way Finder, Soul Carer, Wholehearted Explorer, Bridge Builder, Considerate Helper, Fear Liberator, Peace-Maker, Freedom Fighter, Equality Establisher, Compassionate Listener, Vulnerable Warrior, Paradox Embracer, Diversity Enabler, Dogma Reformer, Conscious Observer...

It's a mixture of counselling and coaching drawing from my qualifications, personality and real life journey.
 

And like all journeys of faith even I have no idea how this will unfold. That is not in my hands (thank God!). It’s about showing up as honestly and authentically as I can and living moment by moment. Following the inspiration that comes to me. Living wholeheartedly, naked and raw (and also in a literal way this coming summer on a beautiful beach)... Embracing the unknown while staying connected to the Meaning and Purpose of my life and our lives...
 

Follow me...
 

https://twitter.com/TheZenRabbi
 

ps We all know how late at night one thing can lead to another. This was no exception! Inspiration and I couldn’t just stay downstairs blogging but had to take it upstairs to the fresh linen of a new web domain and email address: www.TheZenRabbi.com & renier@thezenrabbi.com

The courage to be... human

A few weeks ago two friends told me I’m the happiest person they know. A client also mentioned that she wants to get to a place where everything is sorted out... a place where she is as happy as I am.  In both cases I just gave an embarrassed laugh and actually had no idea how to respond.

Me? The Renier I live with everyday the happiest person they know?  Yes I’m a very friendly and joyful person complimented with a dry sense of humour that randomly leaks out. In a way the statements I received made me realise that I'm not helping anyone if that's the impression I leave. Now I know I can never control the impression I leave. The thing is that I buy into that picture. There's a part of me that feels I need to have it perfectly together and a part that feels shame for where I'm not keeping it up. My happy public persona is only the one half. There also is a non-romantic side to my joy. A side that is messy and fragile... a side that's just... human.  And how silly is it to feel shame for being human? Yet I do. 

I'm drawn to spiritual writings and enjoy believing in my divine potential and identity... to know that I have infinite potential. I dream and hope and visualise and will probably continue to do so. What doesn't come easy is this thing being human. Not being perfect. Not having it together. Having weakness. In theory I'm content with my life, and regularly I find that I'm not. There are times I'm actually left feeling depressed when people share about the incredible life they created/attracted. Now what's wrong with me? is a question that came up for me at regular intervals in my life. That faith or attraction fixing my life in just a year has never happened to me. Think I came out with a small magnet. 

On this 94th birthday of Nelson Mandela I would like to give you the bigger picture. In this spirit of transformation and as someone who stands for transformation I want to share what leaves me with vulnerability and shame  (my heart knows I want to write this and my ego is already hating me for this).

Behind my smile there are days I just feel miserable. Days no matter what positive thoughts I choose or try to feel it just doesn't work. Sometimes my body is weak. Some days the only wish is to just get through the day. Even on such a day I will greet you with a smile. My intent is to live every day with gratitude irrespective of circumstances. Some days I'm not grateful to say the least.   

  

I’ve had my breakdown almost 10 years ago and I've been through lots of therapy, trainings, retreats and books. However hard it was I learned that life isn’t always positive and perfect. But at least I should have it all together now! I want to demand things to be a lot easier and a day must come when everything runs smoothly. Has it ever? Nope. That’s the downside of an extreme positive outlook on life – you suppress and deny unpleasant experiences and live with an unbalanced expectation that leads to more frustration, suffering and above all shame. Embracing a balanced perspective that accepts imperfection continues to be hard, but is not as painful as trying to be.... perfect.  

After all is said and done there still is this voice saying that only once I fix my own weaknesses will I be able to help people... only once my body is perfectly healthy... only once I have a functional relationship with food or when I’m (at last one day) making big sums of money will I be able to measure up. Thus only when I can stand on the mountaintop showcasing my physical and financial strength will I be worthy of showing up as a man. A day that I can shout out: Hey look everyone, I got it all together! Open the champagne! This image of how a good enough Renier looks like is needless to say a straight-jacket. And I know all the textbook answers to this. Yet there is a part of me that remains deeply ashamed about not measuring up. 

Let me share some of my recent failures. Or let me rephrase: encounters of being human: Last year there was a time I visited a state psychiatric hospital as an outpatient.  Yes the qualified life coach struggled to cope and didn’t have the means to go to a private psychiatrist (and by the way I was treated well and the consultations were more thorough than I ever experienced in the private sector). As I’m writing here it is shortly before my 34th birthday and almost everything I envisioned and planned for this year didn't work out. Actually for the past 5 years. Everything is taking much longer.  I might have to give up my flat within a month or two. I’ve had some severe health challenges the past few years and I’m still working on strenghtening my body and immune system.  And trying to uphold a perfect image puts more stress on the body. Mmmm not very smart!   

When I drop all the comparing and pretense and look at what I’ve been through and overcame in my life I’ve gained so much and have so much to give. According to my own journey and highest values I’m a huge success! 

It’s easy to show up in life when you are feeling good and strong and successful. What takes bravery and deep courage is to show up in your life in all areas when things are not going as you envisioned it will be. It takes huge courage to believe that you are good enough, worthy and have a purpose when every cell in your body and life circumstances shout the contrary. To show up where you feel weak and vulnerable... where you think or feel you are failing.  

Today on Madiba’s birthday I want to celebrate my imperfections, shortcomings and fragile side. I celebrate my humanity. And I give myself permission to be fully human. Beside all the good stuff in life to also cry, fail and feel miserable knowing that's ok and part of the human experience. 

All the experiences up to this point in my life has led my heart to grow bigger with greater levels of compassion. I’m a brilliant listener. I have the capacity to look someone in the eyes without any judgement... giving them permission to be right where they are at without any should or shouldn’t attached to the moment.  This capacity came through a journey that chose me and I’m thankful for it. 

And right now it’s about doing it for myself.  It’s giving myself permission (once again) to be right where I’m at without making myself wrong no matter how difficult it may be.  The irony of course that I enjoy to empower others by helping them to move beyond their shame and guilt. Yes I'm laughing at myself right now. 

I’m not sharing my heart as an enlightened guru shouting down from the ivory towers. Nope. I share as a fellow human who is authentically engaged in this life. One who attempts to live in gratitude for this gift of life for better and for worse... here and now... knowing right now I’m also enough. 

And so are you.

(Scroll down for questions for reflection)


Renier can be contacted at renier@reflectioneer.com  /  www.reflectioneer.com  


Brené Brown inspired me to write this post. She is a professor at the university of Houston Texas. For the past ten years she's been researching shame, vulnerability, worthiness and courage.  And if you know her tell her i'm available if she needs a man on her team.  The authenticity and wholeheart picture is from her website. www.brenebrown.com
Susannah Conway:  Inspired me to blog from the heart. www.susannahconway.com 
Stina Deurrell: Someone I recently met by "chance" and our conversations reminded me to fully live in my body in the here and now  www.bigheartofhumanity.com 

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Questions for reflection:

1. What is your straight-jacket?
2. How is this working for you?
3. What image or idea do you need to let go of?
4. What do you need to decide?
5. What do you need to accept?

Wishing you the courage to love yourself wholeheartedly!

The Power to choose

“Everything can be taken from a man but... 

the last of the human freedoms – 

to choose one’s attitude in any given

set of circumstances, 

to choose one’s way.” 

Victor Frankl

You have this power!

Questions for reflection:

• Do I find myself dwelling on how unfair I've been treated or how much I've been wronged? Kind of like an elephant playing in the mud?
• Do I use it as an excuse to justify my current actions, my current beliefs and/or just to feel sorry for myself? 
• How empowering is that for myself right now?
• What becomes possible if I give my power fully to this moment?
• What empowering choice can I make right now? 

Renier can be contacted at connect@reflectioneer.com / www.reflectioneer.com 

Time to let go?

All stories have an expiry date.

If we hold on to them after that date, it pollutes this precious moment of new life. Kind of like milk. With the big difference it is your life that turns sour.   

May we all have the courage to let go of the victim stories we think or feel entitled to... 




ps 21 March is Human Rights Day in South-Africa. 


Renier can be contacted at connect@reflectioneer.com  /  www.reflectioneer.com  
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Questions for reflection:

• Any area in your life where you consider yourself as a victim?
• Do you think or feel entitled to being a victim?
• If yes what is the cost of holding on to this victim story?
• What is standing between you and letting go of this story?
• What decision can you make right now in taking responsibility for your life irrespective of what happened? 

To consider:  What if you won't lose anything of your authentic self by letting go? 
                        What if freedom awaits you on the other side?

Taking the leap...

From Sabi-Sabi

Many moons ago under the covering of steady Marula branches I officially became part of the circle of life. Deep into the African bushveld the short and defined shadow of a giraffe only a few meters away established my time of birth as exactly 12:55pm on the 31st of July. Many lessons and near death escapes occurred since that moment I felt the African sun on my naked skin for the very first time...

Embracing cycles and waiting does not sit well with us. And yes it also doesn’t sit well with me. What I planted yesterday I want to harvest in abundance tomorrow. Having to wait for something for a whole four years in our instant consumerist world is indeed extremely rare. I think that's exactly why I like leap years.

More and more we are developing a summer mentality and it infiltrated all areas of our society from religion to relationships. The sun always has to shine. Things need to consistently grow. Progress has to happen. You should always be happy. New goals always has to contain something bigger and better. And when it doesn’t turn out like we envisioned it we tend to be miserable labelling it and possibly also ourselves as a failure... wondering what did I do wrong? or what is wrong with me? As if pain or suffering or loss is not suppose to happen.

My point is not to say growth or progress is bad or wrong, but to put it in perspective as only a part of the cycle of life.  Death and decay too is fundamentally part of life.  Without it there will be no new life. Their comes a day when the most glorious old tree falls down. It slowly rots away and new life emerges from it. Life clearly shows us that all forms are temporary. This also goes for all structures made by humans. Whether next month or next year or in a hundred years, it will disintegrate. Now how come we get ignorantly and arrogantly identified with our goals and achievements as if it must last forever and as if our very lives depend on it? Almost as if the decline part of a cycle of life doesn't apply to us.

The thing is, when you accept life as having ups and downs, so much more relaxation and peace can be experienced. No it doesn't turn the divorce or cancer or bankruptcy into romantic bliss, but it brings an acceptance that helps you to be present and available to handle whatever the situation is. Thinking this should not be happening, creates so much extra resistance leading to more stress that fuels the inner critic even more. You literally create more suffering. Feeling or thinking or acting from this place of acceptance tends to be far more mindful than the reaction that comes from everything is a mess! or I’m such a failure!.

Consider the possibility that your life’s meaning or value is not for one moment dependant on the ups or the downs of any area of your life.  Failure is after all only a label we invented to be used on ourselves and/or others.  Nature doesn't judge winter as failure and summer as success.

The invitation is to take a leap into this beautiful and mysterious cycle of life and to experience the relief...

Either way I will one day go sit down under a Marula tree and enjoy the African sunset for one very last time.  My body will become one with the earth and will contribute to nourishing the Marula tree that gave my very first shade.  And some of the molecules that once was part of my body, might end up in your Amarula glass...

Renier can be contacted at connect@reflectioneer.com  /  www.reflectioneer.com 
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Questions for reflection:

• Where in my life am I saying or judging this should not be like this?
• Is this serving me in a constructive way?
• Are my goals or expectations authentic to the season I'm in? 
• Do I choose to be completely ok with everything as it is right now? (not to be confused with agreeing with all the circumstances or giving up)
• What opens up as a new possibility right now?