The courage to be... human

A few weeks ago two friends told me I’m the happiest person they know. A client also mentioned that she wants to get to a place where everything is sorted out... a place where she is as happy as I am.  In both cases I just gave an embarrassed laugh and actually had no idea how to respond.

Me? The Renier I live with everyday the happiest person they know?  Yes I’m a very friendly and joyful person complimented with a dry sense of humour that randomly leaks out. In a way the statements I received made me realise that I'm not helping anyone if that's the impression I leave. Now I know I can never control the impression I leave. The thing is that I buy into that picture. There's a part of me that feels I need to have it perfectly together and a part that feels shame for where I'm not keeping it up. My happy public persona is only the one half. There also is a non-romantic side to my joy. A side that is messy and fragile... a side that's just... human.  And how silly is it to feel shame for being human? Yet I do. 

I'm drawn to spiritual writings and enjoy believing in my divine potential and identity... to know that I have infinite potential. I dream and hope and visualise and will probably continue to do so. What doesn't come easy is this thing being human. Not being perfect. Not having it together. Having weakness. In theory I'm content with my life, and regularly I find that I'm not. There are times I'm actually left feeling depressed when people share about the incredible life they created/attracted. Now what's wrong with me? is a question that came up for me at regular intervals in my life. That faith or attraction fixing my life in just a year has never happened to me. Think I came out with a small magnet. 

On this 94th birthday of Nelson Mandela I would like to give you the bigger picture. In this spirit of transformation and as someone who stands for transformation I want to share what leaves me with vulnerability and shame  (my heart knows I want to write this and my ego is already hating me for this).

Behind my smile there are days I just feel miserable. Days no matter what positive thoughts I choose or try to feel it just doesn't work. Sometimes my body is weak. Some days the only wish is to just get through the day. Even on such a day I will greet you with a smile. My intent is to live every day with gratitude irrespective of circumstances. Some days I'm not grateful to say the least.   

  

I’ve had my breakdown almost 10 years ago and I've been through lots of therapy, trainings, retreats and books. However hard it was I learned that life isn’t always positive and perfect. But at least I should have it all together now! I want to demand things to be a lot easier and a day must come when everything runs smoothly. Has it ever? Nope. That’s the downside of an extreme positive outlook on life – you suppress and deny unpleasant experiences and live with an unbalanced expectation that leads to more frustration, suffering and above all shame. Embracing a balanced perspective that accepts imperfection continues to be hard, but is not as painful as trying to be.... perfect.  

After all is said and done there still is this voice saying that only once I fix my own weaknesses will I be able to help people... only once my body is perfectly healthy... only once I have a functional relationship with food or when I’m (at last one day) making big sums of money will I be able to measure up. Thus only when I can stand on the mountaintop showcasing my physical and financial strength will I be worthy of showing up as a man. A day that I can shout out: Hey look everyone, I got it all together! Open the champagne! This image of how a good enough Renier looks like is needless to say a straight-jacket. And I know all the textbook answers to this. Yet there is a part of me that remains deeply ashamed about not measuring up. 

Let me share some of my recent failures. Or let me rephrase: encounters of being human: Last year there was a time I visited a state psychiatric hospital as an outpatient.  Yes the qualified life coach struggled to cope and didn’t have the means to go to a private psychiatrist (and by the way I was treated well and the consultations were more thorough than I ever experienced in the private sector). As I’m writing here it is shortly before my 34th birthday and almost everything I envisioned and planned for this year didn't work out. Actually for the past 5 years. Everything is taking much longer.  I might have to give up my flat within a month or two. I’ve had some severe health challenges the past few years and I’m still working on strenghtening my body and immune system.  And trying to uphold a perfect image puts more stress on the body. Mmmm not very smart!   

When I drop all the comparing and pretense and look at what I’ve been through and overcame in my life I’ve gained so much and have so much to give. According to my own journey and highest values I’m a huge success! 

It’s easy to show up in life when you are feeling good and strong and successful. What takes bravery and deep courage is to show up in your life in all areas when things are not going as you envisioned it will be. It takes huge courage to believe that you are good enough, worthy and have a purpose when every cell in your body and life circumstances shout the contrary. To show up where you feel weak and vulnerable... where you think or feel you are failing.  

Today on Madiba’s birthday I want to celebrate my imperfections, shortcomings and fragile side. I celebrate my humanity. And I give myself permission to be fully human. Beside all the good stuff in life to also cry, fail and feel miserable knowing that's ok and part of the human experience. 

All the experiences up to this point in my life has led my heart to grow bigger with greater levels of compassion. I’m a brilliant listener. I have the capacity to look someone in the eyes without any judgement... giving them permission to be right where they are at without any should or shouldn’t attached to the moment.  This capacity came through a journey that chose me and I’m thankful for it. 

And right now it’s about doing it for myself.  It’s giving myself permission (once again) to be right where I’m at without making myself wrong no matter how difficult it may be.  The irony of course that I enjoy to empower others by helping them to move beyond their shame and guilt. Yes I'm laughing at myself right now. 

I’m not sharing my heart as an enlightened guru shouting down from the ivory towers. Nope. I share as a fellow human who is authentically engaged in this life. One who attempts to live in gratitude for this gift of life for better and for worse... here and now... knowing right now I’m also enough. 

And so are you.

(Scroll down for questions for reflection)


Renier can be contacted at renier@reflectioneer.com  /  www.reflectioneer.com  


Brené Brown inspired me to write this post. She is a professor at the university of Houston Texas. For the past ten years she's been researching shame, vulnerability, worthiness and courage.  And if you know her tell her i'm available if she needs a man on her team.  The authenticity and wholeheart picture is from her website. www.brenebrown.com
Susannah Conway:  Inspired me to blog from the heart. www.susannahconway.com 
Stina Deurrell: Someone I recently met by "chance" and our conversations reminded me to fully live in my body in the here and now  www.bigheartofhumanity.com 

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Questions for reflection:

1. What is your straight-jacket?
2. How is this working for you?
3. What image or idea do you need to let go of?
4. What do you need to decide?
5. What do you need to accept?

Wishing you the courage to love yourself wholeheartedly!